Some Days I See Clearly


Most days are clouded with too many ideas floating too near my ears, whispering as they pass by, stopping short of making the turn round my temple into my central field of vision, and remaining where I only notice things “out of the corner of my eye.” It’s peripheral vision; the kind too polite to impose itself into my direct line of sight, but distracting enough to disrupt my focus on whatever I might be concentrating upon.

The ideas travel together in groups, like marauding gangs, intent on leading me into their labyrinth of partially formed and potentially delightful epiphanies. I can’t help but stop cold in my thoughts to try to capture the floating shiny objects in my net. I want to try everything! I used to have a client like that. He spent tens of millions of dollars on software the government agency he worked for didn’t need because he thought the software was cool. He’s what’s known as a sucker for a sales pitch.

Anyway, my client aside (See? Another distraction!), I’m trying to say I’ve become a “woman of scattered brain.”

I suspect I’m going through some kind of transition. Once a clear minded thinker of focused drive and relentless determination, I’m now a student. And I’m just as driven and determined as ever. This is a dangerous combination. Whenever you get a new recruit on a project team, you have to be sure to walk along side him or her until he or she reaches proficiency in performing their new job. Oftentimes you’ll find them full of enthusiasm, wanting to make a good impression and show everyone what they can do (this describes me). Initially they don’t know what they’re doing, which means that big mistakes can happen very quickly (this also describes me). If you’re not closely supervising the new kid on the block, they can hose things up pretty good.

I have no supervisor.

I’m doing my best not to hose things up, but I’m not sure which ideas to chase down. And for those I do pursue, it seems I’m unable to forecast the outcome of taking certain steps until I’ve already set things in motion. I’ve had many thoughts like “Why didn’t I think of that?” or “Why didn’t I see how stupid this is before I started down this path?” Common sense has failed to keep up with my impulsive need to try another trick in the bag.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Case in point: I’ve been involved in some world-class training courses put on by a really rich indie author based out of the UK. It’s all cool stuff, but I’m starting to realize the training is designed for a particular writer demographic. The successful student must have lots of money, the ability to write multiple books in a series (either in the thriller or romance genres), and have the capacity to write and release a new book every three to five months. The successful student also has a fertile imagination and isn’t afraid to let it out.

That ain’t me.

The idea of having my name on the cover next to a half-naked man with “Photo-shopped” abs makes me want to gag.

Maybe I’ll try a historical thriller series set in Europe during World War II. I know it sounds weird, but for some reason I find it quite appealing. Imagine what I’ll learn in the process.

You might be wondering why I’m telling you this. Me too. I think God might be trying to rein me in, like a good supervisor should. Instead of allowing myself to become distracted by the many marauding gangs of ideas and then running off wild-eyed and enthusiastic about some new marketing technique, I should return to discipline and vet new ideas through Holy Spirit protocols. It’s not hard. I just have to ask what He thinks. He’s never failed to tell me. I’ve only failed to listen and trust.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope it’s clear.